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Random facts about Jack Bauer - JackBauerIsGod.com

Jack Bauer is God.

Top 24


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24 Random Facts: (more)
# 50Jack Bauer invented a time machine for a seventh grade science fair. Why else do you think dinosaurs are extinct?
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# 27Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
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# 95On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
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# 84When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
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# 11024 Season DVDs cannot be copied because Jack Bauer will not be burned.
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# 76Jack Bauer's top secret morning coffee recipie: 2 parts HCL, 1 part Xylene, 1 part Draino, Mix, boil and run thru crushed habanero powder into a crucible. When the coffee has a ring of cerenkov blue around it you'll have gotten it right.
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# 41It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
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# 35People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
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# 87When someone said Jack Bauer facts are just like Chuck Norris facts, Jack hunted down Chuck. When he found him, Chuck roundhoused Jack. Jack shot him in the face, leaving Chuck dead and only a cut on Jack's lip, which he promptly healed with Chuck's tears.
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# 80Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd...no one fools Jack Bauer.
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# 36Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."
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# 46Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
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# 11When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
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# 98Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
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# 49Jack Bauer has never taken a shit that has lasted more than 4 minutes and 37 seconds. Due to the graphic nature of these shits, however, they are taken during commercial breaks.
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# 13Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
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# 78The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
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# 69Jack Bauer's favorite Beatles tune: Happiness is a Warm Gun
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# 24You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
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# 47Jack Bauer hates casual conversation. He prefers bullets.
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# 19Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
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# 5If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.
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# 38Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
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# 96If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
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